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“I don’t think I could ever carry a baby and then give it to someone else to raise and nurture!” “What kind of mother gives her baby away?”Has this thought crossed your mind? Are you considering aborting your baby so you don’t have to go through the painful process of placing your baby for adoption? You’re not alone. During pregnancy, even from the very first thought that you might be pregnant, you begin to bond with your baby. So the very thought of not nurturing that baby, seems somehow like you are failing the baby, and failing yourself. We have a perception of ourselves that comes into play when making decisions. And we always want to do what is best for ourselves as well as what we think would be best for all concerned.
So what are you really thinking when you say “I don’t think I could ever carry a baby and then give it to someone else to raise and nurture?”Are you saying that any good mother would do her own best for her baby? It may surprise you that many who have placed their babies for adoption feel they have done the best for themselves and for their babies. They feel they have been a good mother by making an adoption plan for their little one, providing their babies with a stable home life and a loving environment in an adoptive home. Consider your life right now. How old are you? Is the relationship with the baby’s father a stable one? Can you consider marriage?
Are you old enough to financially provide for your baby? A good mother knows when it is right to make an adoption plan, or when to raise the child on her own. Only you can know that. Placing your baby for adoption does not take away any “goodness” on your part.
Many young women visit an adoption agency to talk about all their options.As any agency will tell you, you can ask all the questions you want and you are under no obligation to make any decision at that time. In fact, many pregnant women visit several agencies to see what each has to offer. Adoption has changed a lot over the years. Did you know that you can be involved in choosing the adoptive parents? You can choose a family that has the same values you do, or the same religious faith. In some cases, you may be able to meet with the adoptive family and talk with them yourself. In most cases you can keep in touch with your child over the years, send birthday cards if you wish, and learn about how they are doing in school. You can request pictures or gain permission to write your child and meet with him or her after they have reached adulthood. Adoption can be as open or as closed as you choose it to be. This is what we mean when we talk about an adoption plan…you get to plan and choose from many options, and feel good about yourself in the process because you are choosing, from the goodness of your heart, what is best for your child.
Is there a downside to placing for adoption? YES.For a time, there may be a sense of emptiness after the baby is gone from your arms and placed in another. You may experience “anniversary reactions,” sadness over the next few years around the time you gave birth. But remember, you have not failed your child and you have not failed yourself. A certain amount of grieving is to be expected, and is normal.
Let’s look at this from a different perspective…Some choose abortion to avoid what they feel will be the painful separation of placing for adoption. We go back to that same thought, “If I carry my baby to term, I could never give it up.” Abortion seems like a good alternative. But is it?
What is not understood, is that there will be the same aftermath with abortion, and even more intensely than with adoption: Anniversary reactions, times of grief, feelings of emptiness and loss. Having been a post-abortion counselor for 20 years, I can also tell you this: Feelings of guilt and shame also accompany the act of abortion. Let’s consider this from your perception of yourself. Can you see yourself as a better person by ending your baby’s life, or by making an adoption plan for your baby if you are unable to parent at this time? What will make you the better person?.
A decision like the one you are facing has many dimensions;physical, emotional, relational, financial, and spiritual.
Consider all the angles and possible outcomes….